Bad Day, Not a Bad Life

Bad Day, Not a Bad Life

by Savana Williams, LPC

Have you ever found yourself trying to console your child in full meltdown mode simply because you said, “no,” or had to change plans abruptly? I would venture to say that you have and it was a horrifically embarrassing moment, often resulting in a full shopping cart left unattended or strangers staring at you shaking their heads as you drag your child through the store and back to the car. You’re in tears by that point, teeth grinding and anger reaching the boiling point. Not to mention the increased stress levels because you have never had a successful shopping trip with your child(ren), and your house is in desperate need of groceries.

What if I told you that you’re not alone? I have seen countless families struggle with this same scenario and they are all at a loss as to what to do or how to “fix the issue.” No, you are not a bad parent. No, you are not a failure. No, your child is not bad or awful. It’s easy to fall into such negative thinking when things go awry, but it’s important to keep in mind that it’s a “bad day, not a bad life.” Children are going to have their “off days” just as do you. You know, the days where you wake up on the wrong side of the bed? Here are some ideas to help you and your kid “keep your cool.”

1. Breathe.  Yes, breathe. It is scientifically proven that deep breathing brings you out of the sympathetic nervous system (fight/flight/freeze) and activates the parasympathetic nervous system (tend/befriend) and begins to put you in a state of relaxation. If you can regulate your emotions, you can help “co-regulate” your child. There are great apps and YouTube videos about breath work if you’re not sure how to deep breathe.
2. Say no without saying no. Instead of saying no outright, tend to the child’s desire for the wanted object saying something like, “Oh yeah, that does seem like an awesome toy, however, we are going to have to wait on getting that right now. Maybe we can work on earning it by doing extra chores?” Not every conversation will work out perfectly like the example above and it will take practice getting the phrasing, but ultimately the goal is to validate the desire, and then redirect.
3. Acknowledge Feelings.  Speaking of Validating, acknowledge your child’s feelings in the moment and why they are feeling as such. Creating connection and attunement to one another. Children can often feel unheard which in turn results in a meltdown.

If you would like more information or find yourself curious about these ideas, The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegel is an excellent resource.